Okay so after my big 3-0 celebration last year I told Michael no more birthday parties. However, I think we both knew in that moment it was a lie hahaha… I LOVE birthdays. I will say, I am enjoying celebrating Grey’s more than my own though and am, slowly, learning towards not wanting to do much for mine. SLOWLY. Rome wasn’t built in day.
My actual day of birth is March 14th…. 1990 (insert wink face). We usually do a trip every year for my birthday and since Zika is still very much a thing our choices have been getting tricky for beach warm weather in March. Michael, of course, found the most beautiful island called Lanai that we went to for 8days to celebrate! Before we left I took roughly 15 (million 😆) pregnancy tests that were all positive. Woohoo yay me. Best gift ever. While on the island it was determined I was in the process of losing the baby. I took a test and, sadly, it was negative. Micheal and I discussed it and decided to stay and try to enjoy the rest of the trip. It was the right decision. I needed that sun and warmth to bring me back to life yet again.
Before we left Michael had suggested we plan a brunch, or something, for my birthday to see family and friends. When I lost our daughter, right around New Years, I kind of went MIA (understandably so). I hadn’t seen a lot of my friends since so Michael thought this would be a great idea… which it was. The plan was made for a brunch at the house on Sunday, April 7th.
HOWEVER, (I feel like my entire life the past three months has been filled with “however” or “unfortunately” 🙄) I got a giant blood clot. I had emergency surgery on the 5th and had to stay the weekend for pain management. Insert dilemma. Luckily for me, my mom, came over and got the whole house ready. Shoutout to Jude… You Da Real MVP! The party was a go!
To be honest, and nothing personal to anyone that came, I was dreading it. I cried all morning wanting to cancel because I felt so crappy. I didn’t want to “host”. I was in pain, both physically and emotionally, and just didn’t think I had it in me. I kept going knowing that people would be arriving soon and let me tell you… it was JUST what I needed.
The last couple months, at times, have had me feeling really down and/or sorry for myself. I get caught up in this pity party for one. Don’t get me wrong, I have EVERY right to have feelings about what has happened. I have bad days and to be honest I cry, just for a quick bit, almost everyday. I’m exhausted and feel completely beat up. What I don’t want to happen is I stop trying. I stop getting out of bed. I stop reaching out and seeing my friends. I stop my fertility journey. All of those are things I get so close to doing and I never want that. So being surrounded by family and friends is just what I needed. It was an amazing reminder to appreciate the good when the bad has been so overwhelming!
Throughout the past few months I have learned a lot and have truly tested the relationships I have in my life. After going through some very difficult times I feel I am much stronger and know what genuine friends and family look like. Situations arose with ‘family members’ through the past months that have really shown me bullies still exist at any age. I want to say this for anyone that needs to hear it. If you are struggling and someone kicks you when you’re down you have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT as a human being to politely distance and remove that person from your life. I, at times, felt like I was hanging from a very thin/weak string and anyone (‘family’ or not) who made these times harder or more painful for me are humans I will pray for (because well Karma) but I will also strongly distance myself from. As a mother you want to always protect your children but sometimes you forget to protect yourself. Also, as women I think, sometimes, it’s harder for us to have a firm voice to say NO. Stress plays a HUGE factor when it comes to infertility so I am saying NO and surrounding myself with people who bring me warmth. I am choosing to stand in the sunlight =)
With all of that fun stuff being said please enjoy the fun party pics below! All party details listed at the bottom!
Side note: Michael made the most beautiful speech at my party… Luckily, my bestie Adrienne recorded it so I can listen to it on rough days. I typed out a portion of it below… I hope everyone finds a Michael Horn <3
Best Cake Ever: OakMill
Balloons/Decor: Paper Source
Tapas Chef Company: Crying Onion
What Everyone Actually Wants to Know… The Giant Bottle of AIX was a special order BINNY’s Item. You’re Welcome.