A Letter to My Husband After Our Miscarriage
Its been exactly one week since I heard a sentence I never in a million years thought I would hear…. “There’s No Heartbeat.” While I am not quite ready to share this experience yet, too fresh, I wanted to do something else. A very public letter to my husband. After all he lost his daughter too. I think I learned to love blogging so much because I love to share. I heal through speaking. Through telling my story. One day, when I am stronger, I will share more about that horrific day but for now I will start with this.
I want you to know that even though this entire past week has been about helping me and checking on me I want you to know that I saw you. I saw your eyes glaze over when the doctor told us the news. I saw you stand strong by my side as I begged, screamed and pleaded for them to do something…anything. I saw you fight, and win, for me when they said I’d have to wait a week to have my D&E. I saw you basically carry me from the office to the hospital to figure out our next steps. I saw you at my side calm and collected saying “squeeze my hand and look at me” while they began the D & E procedure that day. I saw you get me pads and pain medications from Walgreens when we got home that night. I saw you change me into ‘comfy clothes’ and help me get settled back at home. I saw you hold me as a I cried so hard I finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion. The next day I saw you repeat all these same steps as I went back to the hospital for the second part of the D & E.
We left town shortly after because I couldn’t be there. I saw you get all three of us ready, out the door, on the plane and into our hotel room with a calming ease. Then I hit a dark place and I saw you pick me up off the floor over and over again. I saw you find a local doctor when we truly needed more help. I saw you single handedly do EVERYTHING for Greyson from the second he woke up to the second you put him to bed. All of this while he yelled ‘mama’ and I refused to get up for days.
More importantly, my love, I see you sit up for most of the nights checking to see if I’m okay. I see you sleep with just one hand touching me in case I move or need something. I see you basically spoon-feed me when I refuse to eat when I have no idea if you’ve eaten at all. I see you step into a different room, alone, and cry hard huge tears for the daughter you have lost. I see you pace the room at 5am because the thoughts that fill my head fill yours too.
The difference is you had enough strength and enough love for myself and Grey to keep us going. Something I could not do.
You often hear that a mothers love can move mountains. Well you sir, and your love for this family, can do so much more.
I’m not okay and I’ve learned that for now… that’s okay. But because of you I will be. I know you hurt just as I do and I want you to know that I admire you. I love you. I see you. So rest, my love. I see you. ❤️