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A Letter to My Husband

A Letter to My Husband After Our Miscarriage

Its been exactly one week since I heard a sentence I never in a million years thought I would hear…. “There’s No Heartbeat.” While I am not quite ready to share this experience yet, too fresh, I wanted to do something else. A very public letter to my husband. After all he lost his daughter too. I think I learned to love blogging so much because I love to share. I heal through speaking. Through telling my story. One day, when I am stronger, I will share more about that horrific day but for now I will start with this.

Dear Michael, 

I want you to know that even though this entire past week has been about helping me and checking on me I want you to know that I saw you. I saw your eyes glaze over when the doctor told us the news. I saw you stand strong by my side as I begged, screamed and pleaded for them to do something…anything. I saw you fight, and win, for me when they said I’d have to wait a week to have my D&E. I saw you basically carry me from the office to the hospital to figure out our next steps. I saw you at my side calm and collected saying “squeeze my hand and look at me” while they began the D & E procedure that day. I saw you get me pads and pain medications from Walgreens when we got home that night. I saw you change me into ‘comfy clothes’ and help me get settled back at home. I saw you hold me as a I cried so hard I finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion. The next day I saw you repeat all these same steps as I went back to the hospital for the second part of the D & E. 

We left town shortly after because I couldn’t be there. I saw you get all three of us ready, out the door, on the plane and into our hotel room with a calming ease. Then I hit a dark place and I saw you pick me up off the floor over and over again. I saw you find a local doctor when we truly needed more help. I saw you single handedly do EVERYTHING for Greyson from the second he woke up to the second you put him to bed. All of this while he yelled ‘mama’ and I refused to get up for days. 

More importantly, my love, I see you sit up for most of the nights checking to see if I’m okay. I see you sleep with just one hand touching me in case I move or need something. I see you basically spoon-feed me when I refuse to eat when I have no idea if you’ve eaten at all. I see you step into a different room, alone, and cry hard huge tears for the daughter you have lost. I see you pace the room at 5am because the thoughts that fill my head fill yours too. 

The difference is you had enough strength and enough love for myself and Grey to keep us going. Something I could not do.
You often hear that a mothers love can move mountains. Well you sir, and your love for this family, can do so much more. 

I’m not okay and I’ve learned that for now… that’s okay. But because of you I will be. I know you hurt just as I do and I want you to know that I admire you. I love you. I see you. So rest, my love. I see you. ❤️

Forever Yours, 

Jillian 

5 Comments

  1. Judy
    January 3, 2019 / 4:59 pm

    That was so beautiful. I am crying right now from the subject matter but I am also filled with joy that you have such an amazing husband and best friend to take care of you and love you and Greyson. This week has been tough for you guys but I also was dealing with the grief and the worry of how you were doing and I wished I could make a silly joke that only you might get and try my hardest to distract your thoughts for 30 seconds. I was threatening to get on a plane earlier in the week because I too ached so much for losing my grand daughter and wanting to care for you three was all I could think about. It is every mother’s wish that her daughter marry a good man. Michael has surpassed my dreams of what a good husband to you looks like. I thank god every day that you picked him!

  2. Leslie Marsh
    January 3, 2019 / 8:33 pm

    This is never a club I would have wanted you to join with me – ever. Our hearts break for you, Michael, and Greyson. But a small, tiny, silver lining is that this shared experience has only strengthened our bond. I love you sister <3 Michael and I are both blessed with amazing spouses.

  3. Casie
    January 3, 2019 / 9:11 pm

    😞💗

  4. Nicki Loizzi
    January 4, 2019 / 2:02 pm

    Absolutely breathtaking. I’m completely in tears. So sorry for what you and your family is going through. In my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Susan Hero
    January 9, 2019 / 10:01 pm

    Jillian you need to stay strong for your husband and Grey they need you more than you’ll ever know. Yes Michael apoears strong but You make Grey and Michael complete. God had a reason although hard to understand …trust in him. Im praying for you … but two important men could not survive without you. So get strong because they need you back😘 Love you Princess

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