Alright everyone. This isn’t my favorite blog to write but its my current reality so I thought I should share.
As I’ve posted before when we returned from France my doctor discovered a subchorionic hematoma. Within six days the hematoma had tripled in size. There was concern I would lose the baby. To help prevent this from happening it was decided that we cut down on my blood thinners to allow the hematoma a chance to heal.
Good news- the hematoma healed.
Bad news- since we cut down the blood thinners I developed a blood clot within my stents.
Since the clot is large and occluding over 85% of my blood flow in that area surgery was recommended. My blood clots are not your ‘normal’ DVT nickel sized issue. Mine develop within my stents and have reached up to 18in in length. Yup… 18in. I guess go big or go home? Any who, I’m getting off track… Michael, myself and my family did not make this decision lightly. Surgery pregnant is NOT something I was ever hoping to do. I am pregnant with my rainbow baby and already live in a state of fear so adding this is something that really tore me apart. There is a small window to do the surgery so it came down to a ‘now or never’ situation. The concerns are once the baby is larger they will lose visual fields and if the clot gets any bigger they won’t be able to fit the wire. I don’t believe I would make it till my due date if we did nothing and the MAIN goal is for a healthy mom and baby. Therefore, we are going forward with the surgery… tomorrow.
To say I am nervous would be the understatement of the year. As scary as this would be for anyone I think the fact that I am having so many complications after losing my daughter is a level of difficulty I can’t quite explain. I trust my doctors and I trust that we are doing the right thing. The safest thing. Imagine for a moment wanting nothing more in life than to be a mom to a couple perfect little kiddos. Imagine now that every time you become pregnant, every time you get closer to your dream you feel like your body is somehow failing you. I feel like I am failing. Failing my husband. Failing my kids. Just failing. Then I remember that the only true way to fail is to give up. So I refuse. I refuse to give up. My dream in life was to be a good mom and I’m doing that the best way I know how right now.
These past few days, weeks and months have been very difficult and once again I lean heavily on my family. Obviously, if I’m in the hospital I am not able to be with Grey. I am not able to drive and get him from school. I am not able to make him dinner. I am not able to put him to bed. Insert the family <3. Every time I’ve had a procedure, surgery or even an appointment they make it possible that Grey is always with someone he knows and loves. That is the ONLY way I keep my sanity. Knowing that even though I’m not there in that exact moment he is safe, he is happy and he is beyond loved.
Thank you, again, for allowing me to share this INSANE journey to motherhood I have been on. I have connected with so many amazing moms and women and it means so much to have the kind messages, support and comments when I’m having a rough time. So thank you and please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. Here’s to a healthy mom and a healthy baby! <3