My Miscarriage Do’s & Don’ts
I want to start off by sharing everyone grieves different. Each person is unique and handles every situation in their own way.I am, by no means, a spokeswoman for miscarriage nor do I wish to speak for others. After going through two miscarriages in three months trust me when I say I have heard it all.
I get that people don’t know what to say or do. Hell, I’ve been through it and still struggle for words when other women reach out with similar stories. I was almost halfway with my sweet girl, who we lost December 27th 2018. This last one was MUCH MUCH earlier BUT to have ten plus positive pregnancy tests and then no heartbeat is devastating and reopened all those old wounds.
So here I am again. I feel like my life is on a loop of the same nightmare and I can’t wake up. So I write. I blog. I share. All of this being said I’m going to be blunt and go over the “just don’t” phrases or sentences. I know they are meant for comfort but sometimes a quick “I am so sorry this is horrible” is all ya need.
Most importantly THIS IS NOT DIRECTED TO ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. This is not meant to shame. These are not the thoughts of every woman who has lost a baby. Please remember that.
1. “Just be thankful/appreciative of the healthy boy you have”
Ummmm…. just no. He does not replace the babies I have lost. He is not my consultation prize. If anything I am MORE thankful and MORE appreciative of my perfect boy but he does not fill the holes left by the sweet angels I have lost.
2. “You are young. You have plenty of time.”
I have been mentally preparing, planning and praying for my second baby for months now. I understand I am ‘young’ but, unfortunately, to a lot of women that struggle with fertility issues that doesn’t matter. As I write this my daughter would have been due in two months. Time barely moves when you live in pain so having ‘plenty of it’ is not the top of my list right now.
3. “Maybe you should slow down and stay home more to rest”
Turns out a pregnancy is not a handicap. If I thought that laying in my bed for 9months would solve all my issues I gladly would. However, it’s actually worse for myself and the baby. Since I am full of metal stents it is strongly encouraged I workout and/or stay active pregnant to keep blow flow open through my stents. If ANY trip we have ever taken we were told “naw not a good idea” we would not have gone. And trust me, Michael asks all my doctors EVERY time.
4. “At least you know you can get pregnant!”
There is not a day, a minute or a second that goes by that I am not thankful for this. But getting pregnant and loosing these babies back to back is cruel.
5. “God has a plan.” or “God must have needed those perfect angels up with him.”
I believe in heaven. I believe in God. I went to Catholic schools for 12years. That being said there is no world in which I can live thinking that “God wanted my babies with him.” There is no lesson learned from these experiences. There is no greater good. There is no divine reason and my opinion on that does not waver.
6. “At least you can afford it.”
Yes. Fertility treatments can add up. Yes Michael and I are very thankful that finances are not an added stress. However, I would give up all the “things” in a heartbeat. Michael works his butt off to provide for this family but there is no amount or quick fix for our pain. He works 12plus hours, some days, to come home to a wife that cries herself to sleep. So trust me when I say we would trade it all.
7. “Maybe just relax. Take some time off and give your body a break. Try later”
Oh really… just relax? Great! Well, this seems pretty simple to me. This is my body. This is my marriage. I am a nurse married to a doctor. We don’t go into these treatments without considering all issues. Yes, I am high risk. Yes, it is A LOT of medication. Yes, it is emotionally exhausting. BUT I was born to be a mom. I was made to be Grey’s mama and I am not done with my journey.
Naturally, pregnancy announcements are a hard pill to swallow. I think it is important to state I DO NOT hate pregnant women. I am not upset for my friends who are expecting. I am not bitter towards the pregnant woman walking by me. I am not done and one day that will be me again. With the best baby shower ever lol
So what can you do?
Just be there. Show up, give a hug, and off you can go. I don’t reply to a lot of messages, I don’t answer the phone, and I rarely leave my families side (for a while) but I see them. I see my friends that text everyday with no reply from me. Just remember MY miscarriage has nothing to do with YOU. Don’t overthink if I’m ‘ignoring’ you. Don’t overthink if I seem distant. I am a different person and I’m adjusting too. So just be there because even if it doesn’t seem like it I appreciate it, I do, it means so much and it’s getting me through. You can pray for me. You can send me well wishes, good karma, and all the baby juju in the world for a healthy baby. You can also support whatever path we choose for our growing family.
Most importantly, BE KIND.
You never know what someone is going through and you never want to be the person that caused someone more pain when they are currently being held together by tape and glue. I am high risk right from the get go. I fight hard to get pregnant and I will now have to fight like hell to stay healthy and pregnant for 9months. Which means I won’t breathe and will walk on eggshells for 9months. So don’t be that person. That person that makes it worse.
Now whose ready for Baby Horn #2 ?!?!?! LOTS of doctors appointments next week for testing and hopefully get a plan in place. COME ON BABY HORN =)