Our Rainbow Girl
As many of your know yesterday was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The upcoming holidays are also bringing up the one year anniversary of our loss. With all of these dates hanging over me I have been very full of feelings. All the feelings.
There are so many emotions that go into a pregnancy after loss. I, originally, thought that being pregnant again would be a magic fix to all the pain and sadness I have from our loss last year. However, one baby does not replace the other. One pregnancy does not mean more or ‘fix’ anything that has happened in the past.
I can’t even begin to explain the amount of guilt I had when we were first celebrating with friends and family over the news of my healthy pregnancy with a little girl. I immediately felt like I was replacing the daughter we had lost and the guilt rushed over me like a giant wave. I dealt with this overwhelming feeling for a few weeks. Truth be told I still find myself, every now and then, feeling that way. It took me a while to comprehend that loving this baby, this pregnancy, these moments does not mean I am replacing or forgetting the sweet girl we lost before this.
All of that being said I make a choice, everyday, to enjoy this pregnancy. To enjoy the moments. Truth be told this is probably my last pregnancy. My ‘high risk’ status only seems to increase with each pregnancy and my doctors have had the talk of pros and cons with me already. I need to be healthy and present for the beautiful babies I have. That being said I want to soak up everyday. Every kick. Every moment.
My journey to motherhood has been hard. It has beat me up and spit me out. Some days it ran me over and then backed up and got me again. However, days like yesterday when I sit with Grey and we watch the ultrasound TV of our beautiful rainbow girl kicking and dancing away I realize just how grateful and strong it has all made me. I fought for my kiddos, hard, and probably will for the rest of my life.
So as bad as I want this baby safe and in my arms I am determined to enjoy each moment. Each milestone of this pregnancy.
To our sweet girl we have lost… You are NEVER forgotten. NEVER replaced. NEVER unloved. You are ALWAYS missed and I am always your mom.
To the rainbow girl kicking up a storm in my belly… I heard a quote before you were there. “If you want someone to run a four minute mile you don’t chase them. You don’t give them something to run from. You give them something to run to.” You are that something for me, your dad and big brother. You make us all stronger.