What I needed to hear after my miscarriage
It’s been four weeks since we lost our sweet girl and I’ve felt every single emotion possible. As I shared earlier I have been seeing a trauma counselor to help me process the rollercoaster of emotions and to help prepare me to, one day, try again.
I don’t think a lot of people know this but I fought hard to have my little man. Due to an imbalance with my luteal phase I was not getting pregnant. I went to a fertility doctor and started with medications. Then did three failed IUI attempts. We ended up doing a full round of IVF and freezing the embryos. Then I had the birthing story from hell 🙄 which led to my second pregnancy, and any other future pregnancies, being high risk. I also have to inject myself twice a day with Lovenox, a blood thinner, while pregnant. In summary, I try really hard to get pregnant and I try really hard to stay healthy during my pregnancy.
Earlier this week I sat with my counselor and tearfully explained that most days I feel like a failure. My whole life I have wanted nothing more than to be a mom and not only do I have a hard time getting pregnant but I always have to have c-sections and now I’ve lost my daughter. I said “I just keep failing. This is all I’ve ever wanted and I can’t even do it right!” She smirked and the next thing she said honestly has changed my whole outlook on this situation. It was very eye opening to hear a different opinion on a situation that I thought only had one version. My version… which was I failed. I couldn’t be the mom I always envisioned because I kept having complications. I blamed me.
She started off by explaining that it’s truly a shame I can’t hear my story the way she hears it. I asked her to elaborate. She explained that as she sat across from me listening to me talk about failed IUI’s, the whole IVF process, the shots I have to take, the giant blood clot with a c-section which led to permanent stents and then later down the road my miscarriage … all she heard was how strong I was. All she thought was “Holy hell! You are so strong to get back up every single time and keep fighting. You fight so hard for your kids. You put your body through so much all for them. I just sit here and think wow what an amazing person. What an amazing mom.” I. Was. Floored.
I don’t know why but I NEVER looked at it that way. I never once thought to myself that even though it wasn’t the journey I had pictured I was still doing it. I was still a mom. I was still trying.
I guess the whole point of me explaining all of this is to get the same message to any other women out there who have fertility issues or who have had miscarriages. You are so incredibly strong because you have felt that horrible pain, you have felt like a failure (maybe) but you keep going. You keep trying. You keep fighting. That kind of strength is rare. It is unique and it is admirable to say the least.
To feel this low and to feel this pain but you decide to try again ? To put yourself in a situation where you may feel that pain again but you did it anyways? To put your body through another round of IVF after no results?Thats a fighter. That’s the actual definition of strength.
I am now trying not to look at myself as a failure but to grow from this, take the strength and try again.