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What Now?

I wish I had a clever remark or even any type of answer for this question but I don’t. As a stay at home mom I almost wish I had a job that could take me away from the house and the memories for a few hours a day. A few less times I’d have to walk past ‘her room.’ A few less times I’d sit at the kitchen counter remembering when Grey walked around in his “big brother” shirt to surprise Michael. A few less times to walk past that basement door where her crib sits in its box.

Do I keep blogging?! How on earth can I go from this pure numbing pain to sharing cute pictures of me in a sweater that’s currently on sale? So what do I do?! 

If you know me, at all, you’ll know I’m one of those people who is full of feelings. I’m sensitive. I love hard and I truly care. So in this particular case the ol ‘life is hard you gotta keep going’ really isn’t my cup of tea. So I cry. Everyday. Not all day everyday. But everyday. I share. I talk. I talk about her. Then I go to bed and wake up the next day and do it again. But everyday it’s less and less. Eventually I’ll smile when I talk about her. I’ll share what I learned and I’ll be stronger. I feel like blogging, being able to write things out, and connecting with others who have similar situations has made a huge impact on my healing process. I want to continue to blog but how? I feel empty so what on earth do I have to share?

No one wants to read a blog of sad stories every week. So I’m starting my own personal journey of healing. I’m staying busy. I’ve already signed up for every acupuncture, reiki, yoga, colonic, myofascial release, manual lymphatic drainage and facial the city of Chicago has to offer. There’s no book on how to grieve or what to do so I’ve decided to work on me. As much as my entire family, my friends, husband and son want to help this is something I have to do for me.

As many of you know I was treated for PTSD following a procedure gone terribly wrong in October of 2017. I was told then that the trauma of that was ‘one of the worst things I would ever go through.’  Welp, here we are about a year later and I’m being told the same crappy lines. I bring this up because these traumas push me to places I never want to be. I don’t want to be depressed (no one does). I don’t want to take a pill everyday just to get through it. However, these trials get me damn close and I am trying my best to keep fighting. 

So now I heal. For me. I stay busy. I talk. I share. I yoga. I facial. I do whatever makes me feel good. Then, god willing, I will have another pregnancy and start all over. However, if I don’t work on this now I will live those entire nine months in pure fear. Fear of loosing another. Fear of a clot. Fear of all the other random and weird things God wants to throw my way. So before we cross that bridge I will fight everyday to fix the shattered bridge I just crossed.

So in summary, I guess, I have no idea what to do next but I’m going to share it all so join me won’t you? If you haven’t realized already I am very willing to be open and honest and I hope that this keeps you interested in our journey.

On a complete side note I feel that once again I need to acknowledge the amount of people that reached out and continue to do so. I have my family but never in my life have I felt so low and lonely. To wake up to message after message of kind and loving words gets me through the days. To the women who shared their miscarriage stories with me… you have been my strength. I ache knowing there are so many others out there who have felt this pain but it NEEDS to be talked about. It NEEDS to be shared. Feeling this pain and feeling alone is too much for anyone. So I talk. I share. Thank you again to everyone. I gain strength from you all. So as we are starting relatively new into the year let’s all BE KIND…to ourselves and to each other.

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